Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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