I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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