I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
