just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
