I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize