I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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