over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
