And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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