foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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