I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
