before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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