I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
