According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
