When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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