Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
