i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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