STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
