I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
