Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
