Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
