I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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