sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
