Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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