Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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