She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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