So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
