I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
