he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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