WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
