he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
