we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
