everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
