ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
