so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
