I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
