I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
