I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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