I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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