So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish you could order shots online.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
