i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
