Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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