Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
now i know why i became what i already was.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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