there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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