Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
do nipples grow back?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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