I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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