I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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