My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
