I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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