Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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