Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
