found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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