Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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