Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
