do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
