look no pants
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
