Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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