we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
