i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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