Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
