Tell her she can't have a vagina
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
